#lockdownhairdespair - Sue's Story
“It's only hair, your life is more important!
You look beautiful with or without hair!
Vanity has no place at a time like this!
You can get great wigs these days!
I have heard this all before but I can tell you I was not impressed one little bit!
I used to be pretty vain always wanting to look my best. I loved having long, thick, blond hair and enjoyed being able to wear it up and always felt super-special after having it cut and coloured.
Sue Nicklen
It's okay I thought for others to say don't worry about your hair but I did. I was really nervous about it falling out and terrified that I would look ugly as well as being concerned that it would not grow back properly. I had met a lady who had had the same chemotherapy as me and her hair had never grown back on the top she had to wear a wig. That obviously didn’t help.
As scared as all this made me feel I decided to go with the flow and hoped my hair would grow back, I had to have faith in that.
My diagnosis had come out of the blue and slapped me round the face. I was very anxious and scared that I was going to die and to top it off I was worried about my hair. I felt a bit silly to be honest and embarrassed because nothing is as important than your life.
Thirteen days following treatment, it started to happen. Just on cue, slowly to begin with, then in clumps, my hair was going. Oh dear! and nothing I did stopped it. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, its too late now to wear the cold cap. I didn’t really want to look like the stereotype cancer victim. Who needs a badge?
Once my hair started to come out in greater clumps, I decided to shave it off. I felt anxious watching it fall into my cereal and handfuls also coming out in the shower. I had to get rid of it as quickly as possible. I called my mum and sister and we all went to a wig shop and the lady in the shop offered to shave it in the back room something she told us she had done before. It was a relief and terrifying at the same time to have my hair removed. I found the whole process very uncomfortable.
The damage the chemotherapy made to the hair follicles was almost painful, when I was in bed with my head on the pillow it felt like having my head on a bristle door mat.
Sue ‘s took part in Maggie’s on the Runway 2018
I will never forget the day my hair was shaved off, the emotions were very painful. We stopped at a service station on the way home, by then I was wearing my beautiful wig. As we were walking through the car park, I decided my wig was annoying, the synthetic hairs poking me in the eyes and the wig base irritating my sore scalp. Just as I was about to get back in the car, I whipped the dam thing off... They lady getting out of the car next to us looked very shocked! I was so sad inside but it almost felt like a release. I must admit I had a little chuckle to myself, naughty I know!
After that day, I wouldn't go anywhere without my wig or a scarf and drawing my eye brows on, I had lost my confidence and felt dejected. I found it very lonely because unless you've really experienced this I don't think you can understand. Being told I was beautiful just felt like a joke. Being told to be positive I found dismissive and very very annoying. I have cancer it could kill me, my hair has fallen out, my face is bloated with steroids...
I felt sad, unconfident, alone and wanted to cry. My self esteem had been shattered beyond recognition.
I now understand that it’s natural to express such emotions. How can you grow stronger if you don't let your emotions out?
The lack of understanding from people around me hurt, I didn't say much about it. I felt I should just be grateful for the opportunity to have life saving treatment. I grieved the loss of my locks and the potential loss of my life and through time I got stronger and more able to cope.
Eventually, my hair started to grow back but it felt awful and thin, I hated the way I looked again. It took ages to look half decent again. Two years later, another bombshell, I was diagnosed with the spread of the breast cancer to my lungs and liver, so I knew what was coming... This time treatment was for life.
Sue’s hair started to grow again
This time round I decided to wear the dreaded cold cap. The cold cap is designed to freeze the skin on the scalp so that the chemotherapy does not reach the hair follicles. Oh what a torture device that was! Unfortunately my hair just got ridiculously thin and again I thought I looked hideous. However, the cold cap helped and when I changed treatments and my hair started to grow I soon regained a full head of hair, more quickly, this time. For 4 years I had hair again an although not thick anymore I appreciated having it.
Sue and her daughter Ellie
Unfortunately, I have recently started more chemotherapy treatment, one that affects the scalp and unsurprisingly, my hair has fallen out again. The main reason that I didn't like the idea of losing my hair this time was because my daughter Ellie was getting married, a very important day for the mother of the bride too.
This time I was ready, I did feel a little down for a few days but I was relieved when it all came out. I got myself a few great wigs and enjoyed this wonderful day to the full. With the wedding over, I can truthfully say that I didn't mind in the slightest that I was bald. I still feel fine about being bald now, in fact, I can't even be bothered to wear a wig, they annoy me. I don't focus on my looks any more, I'm happy in my skin and just glad to be here and aim to enjoy every day like it could be my last.
It's just a bit cold at times!”
Sue X